Shhhh…Don’t tell!

I ADORE my husband (WAY more than I should).
I do not have a college degree.
I am a Christian.
Some facts are better left as secrets.
I LOVE to play pool.
Seth David Fisher broke my heart in the 7th grade.
When my parents were out of town one weekend, I allowed some friends to borrow their motor home.
I was abandoned by my father at like 6 months old, and then rejected by him in my 20s.
I am a divorcee.
The constellations Orion and the Big Dipper remind me of significant events in my life.
I suffered from a miscarriage in January 2007.
I am hoping Brytin’s year in kindergarten will help me decide if I want to be a kindergarten teacher.
I think that I have a “chemical imbalance.”
I used to earn almost $25/hour.
My uncle lied to me one too many times.
I drink a LOT of coffee and barely any water.
I once ratted out a friend to save my own ass.
I do not WANT to quit smoking.
I slept with a married man (before I was married).
I am not at all confident.
I am a stay-at-home stepmother.
I feel as though I let a lot of people down in my short life.
My grandmother lives a few hours away from me, but I haven’t seen her in three years.
I miss Kristen Sue Stich.
I’ve been married in Vegas - twice.
I have more debts than four families should have.
I have never lived up to my potential.
I have a rage deep inside that no one has ever seen.
I am scared to death of inheriting rheumatoid arthritis.
I ride a motorcycle.
I hate only one person on this earth.
I used to snort a lot of crystal meth.
I swear too much.
I live in a manufactured home.
I had an abortion the summer before my sophomore year.
I long to be the wisest person you know.
I am really good friends with my husband’s ex-wife.
No one close to me has died (knock on wood).
I love to cook and knit and garden and read.
I wish I could do eighth grade all over again.

http://www.postsecret.com/

My Internal Struggle

I have so many things I want to write about - my history, my world, my thoughts, funny things, sad things. I have so much in my mind that I want to get out - my hopes, dreams, heartaches and pleasures. I have knowledge through experiences that I want to record in hopes that someone, somewhere will learn something. But alas, as I sit here now, nothing profound comes to me. No inspirational, relevant message for anyone, anywhere.

I feel as though I meander through this life - sometimes amazing, sometimes average, sometimes ecstatic, sometimes melancholy. Where is it all leading? Where am I going? What impact am I having? I cook, I clean, I converse, I do my best to make everyone I meet comfortable and happy. I try to give them a life of peace, joy and love. Am I successful? Only time will tell. Does the effort I've put into writing actually help anyone? Only time will tell. Is my life fulfilling, meaningful? Only time will tell. I know that on a day-to-day basis, I am filled with love for those around me (and those far away).

I know I go to sleep satisfied with the events of the day, filled with thanksgiving and happiness. But I also have a desire to achieve more. Very rarely am I truly content - what am I reaching for? Do others feel this way? Do others battle the fine line between pleasure in the present and a drive to continually progress towards better? How can I reconcile the ideas of contentedness versus stagnation?

Whenever I spend too long thinking about this internal struggle, I force myself to remember “The Dash.” It is a great poem written by Linda Ellis in 1996.

I read of a man who stood to speak at the funeral of a friend

He referred to the dates on her tombstone from the beginning to the end.

He noted that first came the date of her birth and spoke of the following date with tears,

But he said what mattered most of all was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time that she spent alive on earth...

And now only those who loved her know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own; the cars...the house...the cash.

What matters is how we live and love and how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard ... are there things you'd like to change?

For you never know how much time is left. (You could be at "dash mid-range")

If we could just slow down enough to consider what's true and real,

And always try to understand the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger, and show appreciation more,

And love the people in our lives like we've never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect and more often wear a smile...

Remembering that this special dash might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy's being read with your life's actions to rehash...

Would you be proud of the things they say about how you spend your dash??

Saturday February 9, 2008

laziass
I want to write more.
I want to clean more.
I want to keep in touch more.
I want to read more.
I want to finish school.
I want to pay off all my debts.
I want to make a difference in everyone's world.
I want to be an extra-super-awesome friend, wife, daughter, sister, employee.
But yet, I spend hours a day on the computer or watching stand up comedy or just feeling the warmth of the California sunshine...Laziass? Yes. Happy? Yes.

Tuesday February 5, 2008

WHOA
Current mood: worried
So....I had a dream last night that I was pregnant...I've heard that biological clocks turn on in an unexpected instant...For the first time in 29 years, I think that I may get that "gotta have a baby syndrome." WHOA. That's huge.
For the record, I would be a horrible mother. Not only are my genes plagued with depression, alcoholism, pathological lying, addiction, psychosis, and every other horrible thing known to man, but I am ridiculously selfish, lazy, irritable and financially broke.
Realize that I know that God is infinitely wiser than I, so if I am to bear Chris's child(ren), I would be compliant and, more than likely, ECSTATIC. However, I do not want to ever NEED a child more than I need Jesus or my husband or my sanity.
WHOA. Dreams are stupid.