Adam and Eve

Today, I offer you this excerpt from “Searching For God Knows What” by Donald Miller.

When Adam finished naming the animals, after all his work and effort, God put him to sleep, took a rib out of side, and fashioned a woman. I had read that part a thousand times, but I don’t think I quite realized how beautiful this moment was. Moses said the whole time Adam was naming the animals (what could have possibly taken 100 years) he couldn’t find a helpmate suitable for him. That means while he was naming cattle he was lonely, because he couldn’t really communicate in the same way with the cattle, and when he was naming fish he probably wanted to go swim in the ocean with them, but he couldn’t breathe underwater; and the entire time he could not imagine what a helpmate might look like, how a helpmate might talk, the ways in which a helpmate might think. The idea of another person had, perhaps never entered Adam’s mind. Just like a kid who grows up without a father has no idea what having a father would be like, a guy who grows up the only human would have no idea what having another human around would be like. So here was this guy who was intensely relational, needing other people and in order to cause him to appreciate the gift of companionship, God had him hang out with chimps for a hundred years. It’s quite beautiful, really. God directed Adam’s steps so that when He created Eve, Adam would have the utmost appreciation, respect, and gratitude.

I think it was smart of God because today, now that there are women all around and a guy can go on the Internet and see them naked anytime he wants, the whole species has been devalued. I read how very beautiful it was the God made Adam work for so long because there is no way, after a hundred years of being alone, looking for somebody whom you could connect with in your soul, that you would take advantage of a woman once you met one. She would be the most precious creation in all the world and you would probably wake up every morning and look at her and wonder at her beauty, or the gentle silent way she sleeps. It stands to reason if Byron, Keats, and Shelley made beauty from reflecting on their muses, having grown up around women all their lives, that even these sonnets could not capture the sensation Adam must have felt when he opened his eyes to find Eve.

You probably think I am being mushy and romantic, but the first time Moses breaks into poetry in the Bible is when Adam first meets Eve. The thing about Moses was he was the king of understatements. He could pack a million thoughts and emotions into just a few words. Here’s what he said about what Adam thought when he met Eve:
Bone of my bones
And flesh of my flesh (Genesis 2:23)
If you think about these ideas they are quite meaningful, and the bit of poetry Moses came up with truly summarizes the scene because, for the first time in his life, Adam was seeing a person who was like him, only more beautiful, and smarter in the ways of love and encouragement, and more deliberate in the ways of relationships. He must have thought to himself that she was perfect, and after a few days of just talking and getting to know each other, they must have fallen deeply in love. After Adam had taken Eve to the distant mountains where they could look down on the four rivers, and after he built for her a home and showed her the waterfalls and taught her the names of all the animals, he must have gone on a long walk with God and thank Him, and I’ll bet that was a very beautiful conversation. I’ll bet Adam felt loved by God, like he was somebody God was always trying to bless and surprise with amazing experiences, and I’ll bet they talked together about how beautiful Eve was and how wonderful it was that the two of them could know her, and I would imagine that Eve felt safe, loved, not used or gawked at, but appreciated and admired.

I know it sounds sensational, but I used to think that story was just a cartoon. But they weren’t at all; they were people and they felt all the things we might expect them to feel. And certainly a lot of this stuff really did happen to them, and certainly Adam was taken aback by Eve, surprised and amazed, and this is summed up wonderfully in Moses’ poem.

Shhhh…Don’t tell!

I ADORE my husband (WAY more than I should).
I do not have a college degree.
I am a Christian.
Some facts are better left as secrets.
I LOVE to play pool.
Seth David Fisher broke my heart in the 7th grade.
When my parents were out of town one weekend, I allowed some friends to borrow their motor home.
I was abandoned by my father at like 6 months old, and then rejected by him in my 20s.
I am a divorcee.
The constellations Orion and the Big Dipper remind me of significant events in my life.
I suffered from a miscarriage in January 2007.
I am hoping Brytin’s year in kindergarten will help me decide if I want to be a kindergarten teacher.
I think that I have a “chemical imbalance.”
I used to earn almost $25/hour.
My uncle lied to me one too many times.
I drink a LOT of coffee and barely any water.
I once ratted out a friend to save my own ass.
I do not WANT to quit smoking.
I slept with a married man (before I was married).
I am not at all confident.
I am a stay-at-home stepmother.
I feel as though I let a lot of people down in my short life.
My grandmother lives a few hours away from me, but I haven’t seen her in three years.
I miss Kristen Sue Stich.
I’ve been married in Vegas - twice.
I have more debts than four families should have.
I have never lived up to my potential.
I have a rage deep inside that no one has ever seen.
I am scared to death of inheriting rheumatoid arthritis.
I ride a motorcycle.
I hate only one person on this earth.
I used to snort a lot of crystal meth.
I swear too much.
I live in a manufactured home.
I had an abortion the summer before my sophomore year.
I long to be the wisest person you know.
I am really good friends with my husband’s ex-wife.
No one close to me has died (knock on wood).
I love to cook and knit and garden and read.
I wish I could do eighth grade all over again.

http://www.postsecret.com/

New Book

So, I got this new book…and I think it is going to radically change my marriage.

I read this article on MSN last week about how I am actually hurting my marriage by insisting that Chris and I talk about feelings. What if that is true? What if it isn’t some hooey made up by a guy who just wanted his wife to shut up?

According to some psychotherapists (one male and one female), talking actually makes situations WORSE. We all know that men and women are wired differently, and over the years we have come to accept this and even have done our best to work with the differences. This article, however, pointed out a difference that I had never quite understood before:

“If there's a conflict, girls and women want to talk about it. Boys and men, however, need to pull away. A man's greatest suffering,” psychotherapist Stosny says, “comes from the shame he feels when he doesn't measure up—which is why discussing relationship problems (i.e., what he's doing wrong) offers about as much comfort as sleeping on a bed of nails.”

Chris has actually said that to me before - that when I talk to him about my feelings, he just feels shitty, and thus shuts down. Men don’t seem to process the information we share as “helpful strategies for making your wife happy.” They just feel like they screwed up and might as well give up.

So, I bought the book, “how to improve your marriage without talking about it” by Patrice Love and Steven Stosny

I’m not entirely sure that it is going to tell me anything new (the article went on to say that ‘positive reinforcement works wonders – bullshit). I do think the book is going to present information in a new way.

I also think that reading the book will make me more aware of Chris’s perspective. For example, this is my “girl week.” I am typically very hormonal, very emotional, very easily pushed into tears and hopelessness. However, it didn’t happen like that this week. Every time I felt emotion creeping up to ruin our day, I thought, “Please don’t make your marriage worse today. Please don’t make Chris feel like a shitty husband today.” And you know what? Last night, Chris was extra super duper happy when he asked, “Hey, where’s the emotional stuff?” And I said, “That time has passed.”

http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articleoprah.aspx?cp-documentid=20421756

Stepmother

I was created to be a stepmom.

Quickly after Chris and I were married, I realized this fact. I forgot it for while. Recent times have been tough – my fuse exceptionally short, Brytin willingly admitting he “doesn’t WANT to listen,” and the pressure I put on myself to be an awesome stay-at-home stepmom. But alas, my purpose in this world is quite apparent. I was reading a friend’s blog, and she was talking about what a pain it is to be awaken by her 9-mo-old so early before her body is ready to get out of bed; and she jolted me back to reality when she then pointed out what a blessing it is to have a child to wake up to. She wrote, “Seeing you is worth getting out of bed for…every single morning.” Ps 127:3 “Children are a gift of the Lord.”

Feb 16, 2008
I gained some interesting clarity today…Apparently, God has a very special purpose for me in this world. I am a stepmother. In the grand scheme of things, I am to Brytin what Lynn was to Jess. I am to Brytin what Brian was to me. I feel like God has gifted me the opportunity to right all the wrongs in my dysfunctional family by fulfilling my role as stepmom to Brytin. With grace, prayer, discernment, patience and love, Brytin WILL have a great childhood.

I NEVER thought I’d be a stepmom. I broke up with an ex-boyfriend for that very reason. I even told my sister one time that I can’t believe she is was willing to put herself in that position. After all we had been through at the hands of our steps (and probably put them through), how could she even consider it an option?

And then I met Brytin. I forgot all about my trepidation into step-parenthood. It obviously helps that I am head over heels crazy about his dad ;) But seriously, Brytin is so amazing; I don’t think I could be anyone else’s stepmom. He is so smart and so cute and so respectful and so interested in learning. He makes every day a fun adventure.

In my head, “step” has such a negative, disgusting connotation. I wish there was another title. Well, actually, there is…Brytin thinks “Leslie” is my title. HaHa He refers to me as “his Leslie” just like he would “his daddy or mommy.” It’s pretty cute.

I hope that my actions towards Brytin and his mother will be a “step” towards improving the world’s view of stepmothers.

An old journal writing

I write about father/daughter stuff a lot. I do this in hopes that someone, somewhere will gain from my heartache. I hope that a father will realize the life-long impact his relationship has on his daughter. I hope that a daughter might realize that the relationship problems she is having stem from her relationship with her father. No other relationship has the far-reaching an effect. (i.e. A son who adores his mother is not necessarily a great husband. )

Fathers, intentionally or not, teach their daughters how to regard themselves, what kinds of relationships are healthy, what to look for in a partner, and what to expect of men in co-parenting relationships. Imagine what a girl with an absent father learns?

A girl always wants the love and approval from her daddy. If she never receives it, “it is difficult to develop a healthy relationship because you are working from a point of need instead of working out of a position of co-equal,” said Dr. Canfield. “There is a void in her life and the search to fill that void prompts her to take risks in relationships which usually result in some really poor choices.”

A pretty good article explaining some of the impacts of the father/daughter relationship:
http://www.yourpurelife.com/articles/father_daughter.php

And now for the old journal writing…In case you have ever wondered why my biological father is not in my life...This was written December 26, 2003. I was living in NE Mpls. I had stopped at my biological father’s house earlier that afternoon…

Just short of five years after meeting my father, I now know, without a doubt, that he does not want me in his life. And for the first time, I am okay with that painful truth.

On a whim, I stopped at my dad’s house today because I knew that not knowing his thoughts was eating me up inside. He was not home, but I had the un-pleasure of a face-to-face with his wife and eldest daughter (my sister, Mandy).

I have not spoken a word to anyone in that house since like September of 2001…I haven’t seen them since Father’s Day of 2001.

Today, they told me that they did not want me in their lives because I played a major role in ruining their family…that I “took advantage of Jessica’s weaker mental state and manipulated her into believing that the Galsters were not her family (nor the DeVitos).”

Mandy and Lynn believe that I tore their family apart. Even worse, they believe that I did it on purpose. They said that I had horrible motives from the get-go; that they were apprehensive about letting me into their lives because they did not want to give me the opportunity to screw up their family – and their worst fears came true. Apparently, they thought I was so miserable in my life with my mother, that I would stop at NOTHING to ruin my father’s life.

Seriously. They said that.

They said a lot of hurtful things to me, and despite my protests that their assumptions and interpretations were false, they really did not want to hear my side of the story.

Before I went to my dad’s I had asked Jess to pray for me. I think He answered our prayers in that He made it easy for me to walk away from St. Paul. They have harbored this negative image of me for YEARS and have no desire to hear the truth. Their “reality” is flat-out wrong, and nothing I can say or do will convince them otherwise.

I do wish that I had had someone with me…maybe even a tape recorder just so other people would know that THEY have chosen not to include me in their lives.

I think that shutting the door on this five-year chapter will really help me to focus on the future. Knowing and accepting that the Galsters do not know me and have no desire to know me really makes it easier to accept that they are not in my life.

There is so much to be said about our conversation today. So much that I want to record, but I just don’t know that it is important. I do not want bitterness to rule my life. I do not want to be angry and resentful, victimized and heartbroken. I do not want to spend my time rehashing – that’s what Mandy and Lynn do, and I can plainly see there is NO benefit to such activities. It’s hard on your skin, your bones, your heart, and your attitude. Resentment is especially hard on those around you.

I have spent a lot of time and energy trying to be a good person, and it is kind of screwing me mentally to see that so many have such negative opinions of me….why? AM I a bad person? Are all of my efforts fruitless? Do I really spread evil rather than goodness? At what point in my earthly life will I be confident that I am doing this right or at least to the best of my ability?

It’s weird to think that Mandy has been so very angry with me for over two years and has never told me. She never gave me a chance…I do not ever want to be like that.

I think that when people ask me about my dad, I’m just gonna say that he is in an insane asylum, because he is fucking nutty.

Speaking of old friends, here’s the (extremely) short and sweet

Since joining social networking sites and regaining contact with a lot of old friends, I have been asked numerous times, “What the hell happened to you? Where did you go?” To most people, I all but disappeared for most of my 20s. I had to. By the time I was 21, I was a MESS. Drinking, drugs, partying, sleeping around, wasting away...One day, my biological father, Rick, set me down at his kitchen table and said, "Look, if you keep travelling down this path, you are gonna end up exactly where you are going." And truthfully, it was everything I needed to hear.

Two days later, I met Andre. He was from the "other side of the tracks." He was handsome, rich, and safe. I wasn't head over heels crazy in love with the guy, but I needed to clean up and he was an excellent choice for a husband. My parents and all my friends knew that he wasn't the one for me, but I didn't have the guts to explain to them what I was doing, so I married him 8 months later...And then I met Jesus. I fell head-over-heels crazy mad in love with my Savior, and didn't know what to do about it. I ended up, basically, walking away from everyone I knew, everyone who knew me as someone else in order that I could get my head straight, get my life straight, figure out who in the hell I am, and what in the hell my purpose is in this world. I didn't figure it all out, but I did eventually get my head straight. I still love Jesus, I don't love Andre, and I can accept my life for exactly what it is.

My friend Jasmine shared this gem with me:
"You do what you know how to do, and when you know better, you do better." Maya Angelou

Old Friends

As Heather LaChance once said, "old friends are the best. You don't have to fill in the blanks for them. They know your history." Old friends understand how our past affects the present and shapes the future.

Truth be told, it wasn't really until my first marriage ended that I really started to grasp the pure joy that comes from reminiscing with old friends. And thru the magic of FB, I have actually found a lot of them. Unfortunately, I live about 2200 miles from most of my old friends, so I haven’t had many opportunities for face-to-face reminiscing, but I have been able to catch up with them, be amazed by them, and summon up the ghost of nostalgia with them. Each one holds a special place in my life, each one created a unique memory, each one has an interesting story that got them to where they are today, and each one has an insightful opinion about who I’ve become.

Simultaneously, Chris has also reconnected with old friends. And not just any old friends, but his very best friends from high school. It has been very interesting to sit on the sideline and see him reconnect with people who KNOW him and adore him anyway ;)

No one like an old friend can bring us back to the humble reality that is our lives. No one like an old friend can inspire us to reach further, fly higher, and be remarkable. No one like an old friend can help us see that life is short and needs to appreciated every minute that there is.

Old (adjective)
1. Originating years ago
My friendship with Mindy originated the summer before second grade
2. Wise – showing the understanding, wisdom, or behavior that results from long experience of life
Amy is the wisest friend I have.
3. Existing for specific time
Most of my middle school friendships ceased to exist when I moved to Osseo.
4. Ancient – belonging to the remote past
Some memories should to stay in the remote past.
5. Former – belonging to an earlier period of something such as somebody’s life
Some former friends should probably stay that way.
6. Familiar
Emailing Pam about life’s issues feels very familiar to me.
7. Earlier - existing before one or all of the other stages, forms, or instances of something.
Channing is one of only a few friends that existed during my marriage to Andre and continues to be my friend today.
NOTE: There are actually 15 different, but similar definitions of “old” the adjective. Most of them are applicable to the point I am trying to make, but I am just tired of typing now.

Cherish: To hold or treat as dear.

He is my king, my leader, my man, my friend. Because he holds such a high place of honor in my life, my expectations of him are astronomically high.

I am his queen. I am graceful, beautiful, priceless, timeless, perfect. My pedestal is so high, I can do no wrong.

Two completely different mentalities regarding “cherish.” Neither is right or wrong, but they are mutually exclusive. There is no compromise between the two. I think my way is right, because it (hopefully) inspires growth and increased appreciation and understanding. He thinks his way is right, because it allows his queen to do as she pleases (even if it means FB all day).

So, now what? Do we continue seeing the act of cherishing completely differently? or does one of us jump ship to the other’s definition? Does it matter? I think so. I often wonder why he doesn’t tell me what irks him so I can grow and be better at making him happy or maybe even just explain why I do something so he can better understand...he, on the other hand, often wonders why I always have a complaint about something he is (or isn’t) doing. According to Chris's very own words, "we would never have an issue if she didn’t bring them to me." So, I think it is imperative that we come to an agreement about this.

Obviously, I love it that I can do no wrong in his eyes. Because I know what it is like to have every single move scrutinized and degraded, I would never take advantage of the freedoms my husband has blessed me with.

Unfortunately, I don’t know that it is possible for me to turn a blind eye to anything - ever. Sad, but true. I guess when I say it like that, it sounds like the personality flaw is mine...I can’t help but question. If I adopt that mentality will Chris take advantage? Am I just setting myself up for heartache, loneliness, and a life of total _______(What? What am I really scared of? Have I forgotten what it is like to be fully protected by the one true just and loving God? Have I forgotten that as long as I walk in the will of Christ all things will work out for the good of those who love Him? Even if my husband was to hurt me or annoy me or just do something really stupid – I can’t control his actions anyway, so really what advantage is there to fret over them?)

But wait, this didn’t start out about controlling. Maybe that’s the root of the issue. It is entirely possible that my “high expectations” have melded with my desire to control the world and have thus created a monster!

I still believe that high expectations are good. But, I can now see that my way is not flawless.

Patriot's Day 2009

I wish that I had written about my endeavors as a stepmom from the beginning, so you could see the differences in me, so you could feel the emotions I’ve felt, and so that maybe one day someone somewhere would learn from the experiences I’ve faced.

We just found out late last night that Adrienne (Brytin’s mom) received a continuance in her trial until September 11, 2009. This continuance is truly heart-wrenching. At its most basic level, the fact that nothing was decided yesterday keeps everything at the status quo for TWO MORE MONTHS.

This continuance means that Adrienne will continue living restricted to base for another two months. It means Brytin will only see his mom a couple times a week for the next month - and possibly even less once he starts kinder Aug 17th. It means that the relationships between her and Richard, her and Bryanna, and Brytin and Bryanna will continue to be strained. It also means that Adrienne’s hopes and efforts to prove herself a productive member of society were once again ignored by too many people. And all of these aspects regarding the continuance do not even begin to discuss her career, her housing, her DMV issues, nor her education. All of these items do not even begin to describe the long-term effects to her, Brytin or Bryanna.

The one blessing I can see as I write this is that her life will continue as she knows it - which means continued sobriety. Adrienne has been dry one week shy of five months – approximately 140 days. Continuing her life as she has known it these past five months will bring her to almost seven months sober. That’s close to 200 days! What an amazing victory for her!!!

God permits testing of our faith and loyalty (i.e. Eve with the apple, Abraham with his son, and Jesus in the desert after his forty-day fast). Whatever we go through, God intends to refine us – to make us more like His beautiful Son, Jesus Christ. What impurity is He trying to burn away in you? God tests us to bring out our best, whereas Satan tempts us to bring out our worst.

And now, her grandmother is dying. A woman she has often referred to as “the glue that holds everything together.” My heart breaks that she has to face another tragic circumstance in 2009. Chris did have an excellent point, however - MAYBE everything that Adrienne has been through since Feb 23, 2009 has been to prepare her to become the glue in her grandma’s absence. Lord knows, she is now sober, sane, strong and smart enough to help people. To take it one step further - maybe it has to do with her desire to be a psychologist. Maybe God saw that she could be an AMAZING psychologist, but she had to straighten out some stuff first?

Sometimes, I feel guilty that I have benefited from her circumstance...I have been greatly blessed with an amazing stepson whom I adore more than I ever thought possible.

I have also gained a great friend in Adrienne Broussard. A friend whom I cherish as an inspiration on so many levels. At first, of course, my mentality was completely different. But from conversations with my husband, my family, my friends, and with Brytin, I have a much better understanding of kindness, forgiveness, grace, love, peace, joy, and self-control. And I have Adrienne to thank for teaching me those lessons. I have Adrienne to thank for making me a better follower of Christ.

Praise be to God. His mercies abound! His willingness to grow His children is the most beautiful example of loving-kindness I can imagine. Every day we have the opportunity to make choices that will undoubtedly make Him smile. Adrienne Broussard has made HUNDREDS of those decisions over the past five months.

Tuesday January 27, 2009

2 weeks
It's been two wks since i sat here - in this parking spot at 8 pm on a Tues. So much has happened, so much has been said in those two weeks - not all of it good, but not all of it bad. One thing I can say for sure is that I am even more proud of my husband tonite than I was two weeks ago. I am also proud of myself. I made a promise, and come hell or high water, I'm sticking to it.

Wednesday May 21, 2008

more thoughts
Current mood: contemplative
Ever have so many thoughts running through your head you don't really know where to start? I do. Often.
David Cook RULES!
I'm gonna miss Rados. It's quirky. It fits me. It's annoying and frustrating and challenging, but everyday something makes me laugh so hard I can't breath. EVERY day. Like the day I told David that a cocaine habit would cure his sinus problems. Or today when I convinced the CFO that I can teleport and then proceeded to fight with him about the merits of a 10-sack of White Castle cheeseburgers. Or the time I almost kicked my sandal into the President's head...Seriously. Funny shit. I might even miss Brad. Probly not. But I might.
I am excited to "start fresh" in San Diego. Me, Chris, Brytin, new home, new job, and hopefully I'll get back my sunny disposition. (insert dimply smile here) I just don't like change. I used to welcome God's curve balls with open arms. Now, not so much. I don't know if it's age or if it's because I love my life right now, but whatever it is, I need to get over it. Change is inevitable (especially as a MilSpouse).
Did you know that I've completed seven years of Bible Study Fellowship? This year the study was the book of Matthew. Our last night of the year, we have what's called "Share Night," where women can stand in front of the crowd and publicly praise God for whatever He did the last nine months. In sitting through this hokey evening, I FINALLY heard what God needed me to learn this year. I missed it ALL year, but finally, I think I got it. Ready?
"I can trust in God's perfect timing."
I know, I know, it's not earth-shattering, BUT it is exactly what I should have learned from Matthew's version of the events of Jesus' life. All year, I tried to trust God, but I couldn't. It was too big of a step for me. I trusted Him once, and I got kicked in the teeth. I have been sinfully reluctant to even consider trying it again. But trusting in His TIMING is feasible. I'm not trying to "pick and chose parts of the Bible." I'm just saying that trusting His timing is a great baby step in the right direction.
I can trust that Chris got orders to San Diego in His perfect timing. I can trust that Chris isn't going to Hawaii this summer because God knew we'd be moving this summer. I can trust that Creekside is kicking us out of our apartment in His perfect timing. I can trust that our housing will be lined up in His perfect timing (any minute now, God, would be ideal). I can trust that I will complete my job with Rados and find a new job in His perfect timing. You see? Trusting His timing is something tangible I can latch onto. The general idea of putting my complete trust in Him wasn't something my mind could incorporate into my daily life. But, from this point forward, with prayer and diligence, I will trust in God's perfect timing.
Mike won't be home for a long time yet :( But when he gets here, I'm gonna give him a HUGE hug!
Brytin will be staying with us this weekend and next. Yeah! Hopefully there is no ear-slicing this time. Joey will be VERY happy to have Chris and Brytin here the day after next.
I guess that's about it for now...Thanks for listening :)

Thursday April 10, 2008

My Man
Current mood: blessed
Any words I can put on a page can't even begin to describe my husband, but I want to try. If you don't know him, you should make it a point to get to know him. Your world will be better with him in it.
He is amazing. He is funny. He is intelligent. He is diligent. He is worthy of all my love and pride and time. He is responsible. He is calm and patient. He truly is an anamoly amongst men. He listens to me - whether I am talking about drama between girls or a silly television show or about my feelings. He really really listens. And he responds. Not just with words of advice to fix the problem, but also with empathy and genuine concern. He responds with actions, too. He truly wants nothing but my happiness and will stop at NOTHING to make it happen. He is willing to set himself aside to meet me where I am at. (Thankfully, I am a good little wife and don't EVER take advantage of that.)
Christopher David Broussard is the most amazing partner God could have ever given to me. He is my opposite but my most perfect complement. He brings balance to my histrionics. He brings realism to my optimism. He is a servant leader.
I love talking to him. I love dreaming with him. I love plotting and planning our future with him. I love going on adventures with him. I love sitting on the couch and watching whatever movie he is in the mood to watch with him. I love watching him interact with the cats.
He is a natural-born father. I wish you could see him with Brytin. It is such a joy to witness them interact. Everytime I have the opportunity to watch them together, all my hope for this world is restored. Brytin is very blessed to have a man of his caliber as a father.
I am so thankful he is in my life. I am so thankful that I have it in me to appreciate him in all his glory - as a husband, as a father, as a provider and a friend.

Saturday February 23, 2008

Nature vs. Nurture
Current mood:over it
Rick told Jess that for 7 years all he could think about in the silences of his world was "I need to bring my daughter home."
Jess asked him, "Did you ever once think that about Leslie?"
He matter-of-factly said, "No."
"Why? She's your daughter, too."
"Because she doesn't have the morals and values that you do."
And I cried. Not because there is a dillusional man and his family who are so wrong about me and don't care to correct their mindset. But because the man whom God chose to create me refuses to know me, to accept me and is so willing to believe the bad stuff, the lies.
I cry because the man whose blood runs through my veins is not a man who is worthy. I struggle with that today, because I've always given him the benefit of the doubt. Even last week, when Joe asked me "What kind of man is Rick?" I told him that to the best of knowledge, he is a stand-up guy. He has the best of intentions; he is just grossly misguided.
I dont know why, God, you have given me such a sunny disposition, such an infinite naivety. THREE times now this very week, my faith in people has been proven wrong. How am I so well-adjusted that I just let this stuff roll off my back? Seriously? Is it possible that I am just stuffing the emotion and will some day end up bitter? I don't think so. It is very easy for me to say, "Rick's loss," and accept the love of Mom, Brian, Jess, Joe, Chris, Amy, etc as more than enough to replace him. It's like you, God, My Heavenly Father, have filled the void created by that ridiculous man...
I cry because he is missing out. I cry because he is not living up to his God-given potential as a man, a father. I cry because, I am almost sure, You cry. He is a disappointment and I don't think You intended for him to be as such. I cry because it would seem as though Jesus is not in his heart...
And now I cry because I think of Brian...He did the best he could with what he had...And even though he's quite crazy and not always nice, he would never ever ever say that I am void of all moral character.
For many years, I was angry with him. Eventually, I got over it and accepted what the therapist said, "He did the best he could with what he had." And today, I feel as though I owe him a thank you, or an explanation, or credit...I'm assuming that from his perspective, he thinks I do not give him credit. He doesn't realize that I do, I have. Specifically, my thoughts are, "His methods were fucked up, but something he did was right, because I turned out to be an amazing woman. I love who I am, and I know Brian is a part of that."
I want him to know this. I want him to know I appreciate how much he adores my husband. It means so much to me that he was at our wedding.
I don't know if I have or ever will actually forgive him for the shit he has done, but the truth is, I have forgotten.
Lord, I thank you for all the beautiful people in my life today.

Thursday September 6, 2007

Know it all...
Current mood: embarrassed
Reconnecting with an old friend this week reminded me of a time when I thought I knew it all...The circumstances of my life were completely different than they are today. I was like 22 or 23 or 24 (maybe I was 22 AND 23 AND 24). I was actively involved in a house church. I was intimate with Jesus. I read my Bible daily. I didn't watch R-rated movies or listen to "empty" music. I had a very tight group of friends. I was honestly trying to make my marriage happy, and believed that with God it was possible. I worked very hard at my job (like I was doing it for God). My living quarters were sufficiently comfortable. My bank account had enough to give a little bit to others. All was good. I really thought I had it all figured out.
In that mindset, I ostracized a lot of people. I spewed my one-sided opinions at people I cared about and hurt them (friends, family, co-workers - no one was neglected). My intentions were good, don't get me wrong. I genuinely wanted everyone to be as together as I was...It is fascinating to me to think back and see who I was. In my old age, I have learned so much more than I THOUGHT I knew.
Humility is a wonderful trait to possess. It prevents a LOT of foot-in-mouth bullshit.
A sense of my own mortality and a realization of the lack of omnipotence. I am not infinitely bigger than ANYONE.
A better understanding of how my actions, words, even my thoughts affect others.
Never ever ever say "never." God is bigger than any testament you can make.
And the most important, I think - no matter how intelligent I may be, no matter how magnetic my memory may be, I DO NOT KNOW EVERYTHING. Nor do I know what is best for everyone who crosses my path.
I don't know that it was the crumbling of my marriage or my own separation from God or even something else that changed my opinions. I know that there are some people who stuck by me through that awful stage in my life (and the few relapses I've had), and I am forever greatful. I know that there are people in my life today that are wonderful examples of who I WANT to be, and I hope to do them proud. I know that I am glad my previous mindset no longer pervades my daily life.
I wonder, in 4 to 6 years, what will I think about my mindset today?

Sunday May 20, 2007

mature love
Current mood:interested
The idea of "mature love" was first suggested to me in the book "Lies at the Altar" by Robin L. Smith. The idea has flabbergasted me for months now. The truth is, I suck at it.
What is it? It's the love of life-long beautiful marriages. Not the romantic love filled with infatuation that initially draws me to someone . Mature love is the stuff that comes after and lasts for 10, 20, even 70 years. It's day-to-day love. It's going to work everyday, cleaning the house every weekend and paying bills every month love. It's real love - with frustrations and conflict and real experiences. I don't know how to do it.
Like many others, I am addicted to romantic love. It has actually been scientifically proven that infatuation and romance are addicting. Similar to a runner's high, new lovers experience a spike in dopamine and norepinephrine (like adrenaline). Lovesickness is real...and when things settle down, I begin to fret about the state of the relationship scrutinizing every move, every word, every second of silence for a clue on how to "fix" it. I know, I am ridiculous. And only because there are no pressing issues in my relationshiop right now, I can write about this. But next week, I am sure I'll come up with something to get all spun up about.
I desire to head it off at the pass, though. I want to learn how to be a grown-up in a relationship. But in a year or so, when the infatuation wears off, what do I do?
Robin L. Smith says the first step is to "show up as a grown up." Not as a little girl fulfilling a fantasy, not as a teenager looking to offset the bad stuff from a childhood, not as a young adult trying to impress your friends.
I know that one of my biggest roadblocks to mature love is the unsettled crap between the father figures in my life and myself. I never got approval from my father or my stepfather and so I live and die by the approval of my significant other.
Smith also says, "Whatever we focus on is what grows." I know that I cannot change another, so I must focus on myself if I am ever to get this right. According to Suzanne Harill, "Healing your past, building self-esteem, dealing with feelings and speaking from your own experience" are all ways to change yourself in a relationship. Doing such things, will ultimately impact your partner, your relationship, and your future.
My friend once told me that marriage isn't meant to complete us, it is an opportunity to share our complete lives with someone special. I know that in order for a marriage to work, I have to find a way to let go of my expectations of a fairy tale. I know that I am on my way. I know that I have progressed in the last year, but I still have a ways to go. Hopefully, my partner is willing to be patient and to walk side by side with me as I take these steps toward mature love.
In my research, I found this article on the three stages of love. Check it out: http://www.womensmedia.com/relationships-love-stages.htm

Sunday May 20, 2007

vomitting of the brain
Current mood: scared
Why is it sometimes so difficult? All I want is to be happy, but my brain seems to create all this drama...At the same time, I feel in my soul that I am not getting what I need out of life. How can I be so happy and so miserable at the same time? How can I respectfully, eloquently convey my thoughts and get ACTION? Not guilty action, but a stirring in the soul that says "its time to shit or get off the pot." How do I decide if I am fucked up or right? I know that there are manipulative mo'fos that would like me to believe its all in my head, but don't I know what I know? If its really how I feel, isn't it at least a real feeling? (Whether or not it is warranted or correct or whatever adjective you want to put there, it is at least a real feeling.)
If I know that I am not getting what I want, do I wait for it? That certainly isn't the advice I would give my sister...I'd say "Take action! Do what is best for YOU. Do what you think will make you happy and still be pleasing God." But is that what I would do? No. At least, that is not what I have done...I wait. I think I'll change, I'll conform, I'll settle, I'll mature. But I haven't, nor do I think I ever will.
I hate it when 80 percent of life is great and 20 percent is only tolerable. If that 20 percent were atrocious, it would be so much easier to make a move. But I have tolerated before, and that leaves me feeling empty, alone, broken and even ashamed.
Where do I go from here? I cant keep repeating this same vicious cycle. Seriously, only morons commit the same acts and expect different results...
Speaking of moron...I am not one. Seriously. I am not. People may want to believe that, but it is not the case. I often chose to ignore things, but I am not unaware that they exist. Truth is, I am ridiculously perceptive. For some reason God decided to give me that gift. I can make split second decisions and be spot on 98 percent of the time. I attest that to the Holy Spirit dwelling in me, guiding me, but whatever. Call it whatever you want, mine is insanely strong. It's not that I am a know-it-all, it's completely different than that. It's the Blink factor at its finest.
I try to be so uncomplicated, but really, I am girl's girl through and through. I can pick out the "girliness" that I hate in others so quickly, but when it comes right down to it, I am just as psycho. Why/How is that?
As I reflect on the last 28 years of my life, I would venture to say that it has all been the same. With or without Christ. With or without family. With or without a man. I'm still the same fucked up individual I was a child, a teen, a young adult. I still battle the same demons I did as a kid, as a daughter, as a wife, and as a should-have been mother. Depression, anxiety, self-esteem, histrionics, hyperbole, annoyance, frustration, anger, hormones, men issues, family issues, control issues, and so on and so forth. It doesn't matter if I am skinny, pretty, in school or not, in MN or Cali. I battle the same shit everyday.
Will I ever get this right, God? Will I ever be square? Not even happy, just even-keel?

Monday February 5, 2007

Worthy of an "F'ing-heimer"
Current mood: numb
There are so many things I could write about that dam letter....But all I want to say is this:
Ladies and Gentleman,
If you think that the one you are with is worth something, make sure you tell them today. If you don't, all you will be able to say later is, "FUCK. I screwed up."