Possible Side Effects

One of my most favorite books is “Possible Side Effects” by Augusten Burroughs. It is a book that randomly accounts the life of a man. The story is written in first person, and I don’t think the character’s name is ever stated. This writing style results in the reader never actually knowing if the book recounts the life of the author or someone else or if it is made up. Either way, this book is HILARIOUS. It makes me laugh out loud (just as much as Stephanie Plum!). If you have not read it, I recommend it.

Another reason I love this book, is because it is exactly the kind of book I want to write. I would record all of the things I remember in my life and add in the psychological aspects, the growth aspects, the spiritual aspects. Is there a market for this? Is it self-help or fiction? Will it be the autobiography I’ve always dreamed of writing? Would it have to be in chronological order? Would anyone learn anything from the circumstances I have dealt with in my life? Which ones do I include and which ones do I keep out? Are some things too private? With my book, I think the Possible Side Effects would be pissing off people who are included in the book. Would I be able to mask the truth (to protect my relationships) and still be able to convey my message (to help the reader grow)? Do I focus on childhood, teenage or adult years? Can I get three or four or five books out of my life? (I have three blogs, why not five books?)

I have memories that start when I was less than two years old. I know the memories are from this time, because my sisters left me when I was less than two years old. I also know that the memories are mine and not implanted by someone else or a photograph, because I have never told anyone these memories.

The very first memory I have is of my two sisters and I, late at night. We should have been sleeping, but instead we were all on the top bunk. We were giggling. And then we heard a door slam and Mandy said, “Uh oh, Brian is home.” And we were all instantly scared. We cowered in the top bunk together until all was quiet and then I climbed down the ladder and went to my bed. For most of my life, I thought we were scared because Brian was mean, because he had come home drunk and we thought we would be beaten. I think I assessed the situation this way based on what I learned of him growing up. Now that I have a toddler, I realize that we were probably scared because we knew we were doing something we were not supposed to be doing – we should have been sleeping!

My next memory actually includes my biological father. The details are hazy, but I was in his apartment. I can see the layout. I met his girlfriend, Lynn. She was tall and skinny and had long dark hair. I liked her. The same memory includes Rick dropping me off at my mom’s house on Louisiana Ave in Crystal. He was holding me. He had on a hat - brown leather. He had a mustache. I was happy.

Okay, not funny like Augusten Burroughs, but entertaining none the less. “Possible Side Effects” probably sold millions of copies. My book might not sell millions. But if one person learns from it, it would be worth all of the effort.

****Please note this blog is moving to http://lesliewantstowrite.blogspot.com/
Check out my additional blogs - http://ourtwowheeledadventure.blogspot.com/ and
http://kindergarteneskapades.blogspot.com/

Adam and Eve

Today, I offer you this excerpt from “Searching For God Knows What” by Donald Miller.

When Adam finished naming the animals, after all his work and effort, God put him to sleep, took a rib out of side, and fashioned a woman. I had read that part a thousand times, but I don’t think I quite realized how beautiful this moment was. Moses said the whole time Adam was naming the animals (what could have possibly taken 100 years) he couldn’t find a helpmate suitable for him. That means while he was naming cattle he was lonely, because he couldn’t really communicate in the same way with the cattle, and when he was naming fish he probably wanted to go swim in the ocean with them, but he couldn’t breathe underwater; and the entire time he could not imagine what a helpmate might look like, how a helpmate might talk, the ways in which a helpmate might think. The idea of another person had, perhaps never entered Adam’s mind. Just like a kid who grows up without a father has no idea what having a father would be like, a guy who grows up the only human would have no idea what having another human around would be like. So here was this guy who was intensely relational, needing other people and in order to cause him to appreciate the gift of companionship, God had him hang out with chimps for a hundred years. It’s quite beautiful, really. God directed Adam’s steps so that when He created Eve, Adam would have the utmost appreciation, respect, and gratitude.

I think it was smart of God because today, now that there are women all around and a guy can go on the Internet and see them naked anytime he wants, the whole species has been devalued. I read how very beautiful it was the God made Adam work for so long because there is no way, after a hundred years of being alone, looking for somebody whom you could connect with in your soul, that you would take advantage of a woman once you met one. She would be the most precious creation in all the world and you would probably wake up every morning and look at her and wonder at her beauty, or the gentle silent way she sleeps. It stands to reason if Byron, Keats, and Shelley made beauty from reflecting on their muses, having grown up around women all their lives, that even these sonnets could not capture the sensation Adam must have felt when he opened his eyes to find Eve.

You probably think I am being mushy and romantic, but the first time Moses breaks into poetry in the Bible is when Adam first meets Eve. The thing about Moses was he was the king of understatements. He could pack a million thoughts and emotions into just a few words. Here’s what he said about what Adam thought when he met Eve:
Bone of my bones
And flesh of my flesh (Genesis 2:23)
If you think about these ideas they are quite meaningful, and the bit of poetry Moses came up with truly summarizes the scene because, for the first time in his life, Adam was seeing a person who was like him, only more beautiful, and smarter in the ways of love and encouragement, and more deliberate in the ways of relationships. He must have thought to himself that she was perfect, and after a few days of just talking and getting to know each other, they must have fallen deeply in love. After Adam had taken Eve to the distant mountains where they could look down on the four rivers, and after he built for her a home and showed her the waterfalls and taught her the names of all the animals, he must have gone on a long walk with God and thank Him, and I’ll bet that was a very beautiful conversation. I’ll bet Adam felt loved by God, like he was somebody God was always trying to bless and surprise with amazing experiences, and I’ll bet they talked together about how beautiful Eve was and how wonderful it was that the two of them could know her, and I would imagine that Eve felt safe, loved, not used or gawked at, but appreciated and admired.

I know it sounds sensational, but I used to think that story was just a cartoon. But they weren’t at all; they were people and they felt all the things we might expect them to feel. And certainly a lot of this stuff really did happen to them, and certainly Adam was taken aback by Eve, surprised and amazed, and this is summed up wonderfully in Moses’ poem.

Shhhh…Don’t tell!

I ADORE my husband (WAY more than I should).
I do not have a college degree.
I am a Christian.
Some facts are better left as secrets.
I LOVE to play pool.
Seth David Fisher broke my heart in the 7th grade.
When my parents were out of town one weekend, I allowed some friends to borrow their motor home.
I was abandoned by my father at like 6 months old, and then rejected by him in my 20s.
I am a divorcee.
The constellations Orion and the Big Dipper remind me of significant events in my life.
I suffered from a miscarriage in January 2007.
I am hoping Brytin’s year in kindergarten will help me decide if I want to be a kindergarten teacher.
I think that I have a “chemical imbalance.”
I used to earn almost $25/hour.
My uncle lied to me one too many times.
I drink a LOT of coffee and barely any water.
I once ratted out a friend to save my own ass.
I do not WANT to quit smoking.
I slept with a married man (before I was married).
I am not at all confident.
I am a stay-at-home stepmother.
I feel as though I let a lot of people down in my short life.
My grandmother lives a few hours away from me, but I haven’t seen her in three years.
I miss Kristen Sue Stich.
I’ve been married in Vegas - twice.
I have more debts than four families should have.
I have never lived up to my potential.
I have a rage deep inside that no one has ever seen.
I am scared to death of inheriting rheumatoid arthritis.
I ride a motorcycle.
I hate only one person on this earth.
I used to snort a lot of crystal meth.
I swear too much.
I live in a manufactured home.
I had an abortion the summer before my sophomore year.
I long to be the wisest person you know.
I am really good friends with my husband’s ex-wife.
No one close to me has died (knock on wood).
I love to cook and knit and garden and read.
I wish I could do eighth grade all over again.

http://www.postsecret.com/

Stepmother

I was created to be a stepmom.

Quickly after Chris and I were married, I realized this fact. I forgot it for while. Recent times have been tough – my fuse exceptionally short, Brytin willingly admitting he “doesn’t WANT to listen,” and the pressure I put on myself to be an awesome stay-at-home stepmom. But alas, my purpose in this world is quite apparent. I was reading a friend’s blog, and she was talking about what a pain it is to be awaken by her 9-mo-old so early before her body is ready to get out of bed; and she jolted me back to reality when she then pointed out what a blessing it is to have a child to wake up to. She wrote, “Seeing you is worth getting out of bed for…every single morning.” Ps 127:3 “Children are a gift of the Lord.”

Feb 16, 2008
I gained some interesting clarity today…Apparently, God has a very special purpose for me in this world. I am a stepmother. In the grand scheme of things, I am to Brytin what Lynn was to Jess. I am to Brytin what Brian was to me. I feel like God has gifted me the opportunity to right all the wrongs in my dysfunctional family by fulfilling my role as stepmom to Brytin. With grace, prayer, discernment, patience and love, Brytin WILL have a great childhood.

I NEVER thought I’d be a stepmom. I broke up with an ex-boyfriend for that very reason. I even told my sister one time that I can’t believe she is was willing to put herself in that position. After all we had been through at the hands of our steps (and probably put them through), how could she even consider it an option?

And then I met Brytin. I forgot all about my trepidation into step-parenthood. It obviously helps that I am head over heels crazy about his dad ;) But seriously, Brytin is so amazing; I don’t think I could be anyone else’s stepmom. He is so smart and so cute and so respectful and so interested in learning. He makes every day a fun adventure.

In my head, “step” has such a negative, disgusting connotation. I wish there was another title. Well, actually, there is…Brytin thinks “Leslie” is my title. HaHa He refers to me as “his Leslie” just like he would “his daddy or mommy.” It’s pretty cute.

I hope that my actions towards Brytin and his mother will be a “step” towards improving the world’s view of stepmothers.

Redemption

I watched “Seven Pounds” last night. It was a great movie, but it could lead some people astray in understanding how we achieve redemption. Ben Thomas (Will Smith) feels responsible for the death of seven people in an automobile accident, so he spends the movie saving seven lives. And he does it. He literally saved the lives of seven people. Thus, the audience thereby is lead to feel as though he has “redeemed” himself for texting while driving and killing seven people (including his fiancée). It’s really a beautiful story of a good-hearted man who made a seven-second mistake and does everything and anything to make it right. When the movie was over, I was moved by his sacrifices, moved by his intentions, moved by his desire to “right the wrongs.” He gave his brother part of a lung, a stranger part of his kidney, bone marrow to a child, a house to an abused woman, eyes to a blind man and his heart to a woman who would have otherwise died. (He also gave something to a hockey coach, but I do not know what.) It’s a beautiful, heart-wrenching tale about a man’s personal struggle with guilt, with the debt he feels he owes society, and the internal battle regarding his own worth to live.

The movie leaves the viewer believing that sacrifice, selflessness and generosity are all that it takes to absolve our sins. Now, I realize that the movie is NOT talking about salvation (eternal life in Heaven), but often times, people will fail to differentiate the ideas of a personal struggle of a debt we feel towards society from the debt we must pay for our sins.

It almost seems unfair, really, that Ben Thomas could do so much for so many but still possibly not go to Heaven. Isaiah 64:6 tells us that our righteous “deeds are like a filthy garment”. Without the life-saving blood of Jesus Christ, God cannot even see the deeds we call righteous. Why? Because without Jesus’ redemption, our deeds are not righteous, our motives are not pure, our hearts are not clean.

Though it seems like a contradiction, God’s way is the fairest way. What if you were in Ben’s situation and didn’t have a house to give to an abused woman – would that mean you do not get to go to Heaven? Our deeds do not save us. Our good works are merely a by-product of the faith, love, and thankfulness we have in Christ Jesus. (See James 2.)

God’s way also frees us from the burden of being as “good” as humanely possible – always nice, always obeying the speed limit, always generous, kind, patient, self-controlled and joyous. It is impossible to be sinless. If that was the requirement, we would constantly feel guilty, burdened, ashamed, disappointed, sad, etc. God never wanted that! He wants us to spend eternity with Him, and therefore makes redemption ridiculously EASY. Believe. Period.

Ben's desire to help only those people who are truly "good" is the perfect example of how we as humans fail. Jesus's redemption is available to any, to all who seek Him.

In Seven Pounds, Ben gives the ultimate sacrifice – his own life – in order to give a woman his heart. Surely, that should free him from his guilt, shame, heartache, etc. The Bible tells us that only when we are free of sin through the ultimate sacrifice of Jesus Christ, can we be absolved of our guilt, shame, and heartache. Ephesians 1:7 reads “In Him, we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace.”

I believe Ben Thomas found the self-fulfillment he was seeking by saving seven lives. He could not, however, erase the wrongs that were accidentally commited against the seven families of the people who were killed. Not until we look to Jesus Christ can we achieve true redemption.

An old journal writing

I write about father/daughter stuff a lot. I do this in hopes that someone, somewhere will gain from my heartache. I hope that a father will realize the life-long impact his relationship has on his daughter. I hope that a daughter might realize that the relationship problems she is having stem from her relationship with her father. No other relationship has the far-reaching an effect. (i.e. A son who adores his mother is not necessarily a great husband. )

Fathers, intentionally or not, teach their daughters how to regard themselves, what kinds of relationships are healthy, what to look for in a partner, and what to expect of men in co-parenting relationships. Imagine what a girl with an absent father learns?

A girl always wants the love and approval from her daddy. If she never receives it, “it is difficult to develop a healthy relationship because you are working from a point of need instead of working out of a position of co-equal,” said Dr. Canfield. “There is a void in her life and the search to fill that void prompts her to take risks in relationships which usually result in some really poor choices.”

A pretty good article explaining some of the impacts of the father/daughter relationship:
http://www.yourpurelife.com/articles/father_daughter.php

And now for the old journal writing…In case you have ever wondered why my biological father is not in my life...This was written December 26, 2003. I was living in NE Mpls. I had stopped at my biological father’s house earlier that afternoon…

Just short of five years after meeting my father, I now know, without a doubt, that he does not want me in his life. And for the first time, I am okay with that painful truth.

On a whim, I stopped at my dad’s house today because I knew that not knowing his thoughts was eating me up inside. He was not home, but I had the un-pleasure of a face-to-face with his wife and eldest daughter (my sister, Mandy).

I have not spoken a word to anyone in that house since like September of 2001…I haven’t seen them since Father’s Day of 2001.

Today, they told me that they did not want me in their lives because I played a major role in ruining their family…that I “took advantage of Jessica’s weaker mental state and manipulated her into believing that the Galsters were not her family (nor the DeVitos).”

Mandy and Lynn believe that I tore their family apart. Even worse, they believe that I did it on purpose. They said that I had horrible motives from the get-go; that they were apprehensive about letting me into their lives because they did not want to give me the opportunity to screw up their family – and their worst fears came true. Apparently, they thought I was so miserable in my life with my mother, that I would stop at NOTHING to ruin my father’s life.

Seriously. They said that.

They said a lot of hurtful things to me, and despite my protests that their assumptions and interpretations were false, they really did not want to hear my side of the story.

Before I went to my dad’s I had asked Jess to pray for me. I think He answered our prayers in that He made it easy for me to walk away from St. Paul. They have harbored this negative image of me for YEARS and have no desire to hear the truth. Their “reality” is flat-out wrong, and nothing I can say or do will convince them otherwise.

I do wish that I had had someone with me…maybe even a tape recorder just so other people would know that THEY have chosen not to include me in their lives.

I think that shutting the door on this five-year chapter will really help me to focus on the future. Knowing and accepting that the Galsters do not know me and have no desire to know me really makes it easier to accept that they are not in my life.

There is so much to be said about our conversation today. So much that I want to record, but I just don’t know that it is important. I do not want bitterness to rule my life. I do not want to be angry and resentful, victimized and heartbroken. I do not want to spend my time rehashing – that’s what Mandy and Lynn do, and I can plainly see there is NO benefit to such activities. It’s hard on your skin, your bones, your heart, and your attitude. Resentment is especially hard on those around you.

I have spent a lot of time and energy trying to be a good person, and it is kind of screwing me mentally to see that so many have such negative opinions of me….why? AM I a bad person? Are all of my efforts fruitless? Do I really spread evil rather than goodness? At what point in my earthly life will I be confident that I am doing this right or at least to the best of my ability?

It’s weird to think that Mandy has been so very angry with me for over two years and has never told me. She never gave me a chance…I do not ever want to be like that.

I think that when people ask me about my dad, I’m just gonna say that he is in an insane asylum, because he is fucking nutty.

Speaking of old friends, here’s the (extremely) short and sweet

Since joining social networking sites and regaining contact with a lot of old friends, I have been asked numerous times, “What the hell happened to you? Where did you go?” To most people, I all but disappeared for most of my 20s. I had to. By the time I was 21, I was a MESS. Drinking, drugs, partying, sleeping around, wasting away...One day, my biological father, Rick, set me down at his kitchen table and said, "Look, if you keep travelling down this path, you are gonna end up exactly where you are going." And truthfully, it was everything I needed to hear.

Two days later, I met Andre. He was from the "other side of the tracks." He was handsome, rich, and safe. I wasn't head over heels crazy in love with the guy, but I needed to clean up and he was an excellent choice for a husband. My parents and all my friends knew that he wasn't the one for me, but I didn't have the guts to explain to them what I was doing, so I married him 8 months later...And then I met Jesus. I fell head-over-heels crazy mad in love with my Savior, and didn't know what to do about it. I ended up, basically, walking away from everyone I knew, everyone who knew me as someone else in order that I could get my head straight, get my life straight, figure out who in the hell I am, and what in the hell my purpose is in this world. I didn't figure it all out, but I did eventually get my head straight. I still love Jesus, I don't love Andre, and I can accept my life for exactly what it is.

My friend Jasmine shared this gem with me:
"You do what you know how to do, and when you know better, you do better." Maya Angelou

Old Friends

As Heather LaChance once said, "old friends are the best. You don't have to fill in the blanks for them. They know your history." Old friends understand how our past affects the present and shapes the future.

Truth be told, it wasn't really until my first marriage ended that I really started to grasp the pure joy that comes from reminiscing with old friends. And thru the magic of FB, I have actually found a lot of them. Unfortunately, I live about 2200 miles from most of my old friends, so I haven’t had many opportunities for face-to-face reminiscing, but I have been able to catch up with them, be amazed by them, and summon up the ghost of nostalgia with them. Each one holds a special place in my life, each one created a unique memory, each one has an interesting story that got them to where they are today, and each one has an insightful opinion about who I’ve become.

Simultaneously, Chris has also reconnected with old friends. And not just any old friends, but his very best friends from high school. It has been very interesting to sit on the sideline and see him reconnect with people who KNOW him and adore him anyway ;)

No one like an old friend can bring us back to the humble reality that is our lives. No one like an old friend can inspire us to reach further, fly higher, and be remarkable. No one like an old friend can help us see that life is short and needs to appreciated every minute that there is.

Old (adjective)
1. Originating years ago
My friendship with Mindy originated the summer before second grade
2. Wise – showing the understanding, wisdom, or behavior that results from long experience of life
Amy is the wisest friend I have.
3. Existing for specific time
Most of my middle school friendships ceased to exist when I moved to Osseo.
4. Ancient – belonging to the remote past
Some memories should to stay in the remote past.
5. Former – belonging to an earlier period of something such as somebody’s life
Some former friends should probably stay that way.
6. Familiar
Emailing Pam about life’s issues feels very familiar to me.
7. Earlier - existing before one or all of the other stages, forms, or instances of something.
Channing is one of only a few friends that existed during my marriage to Andre and continues to be my friend today.
NOTE: There are actually 15 different, but similar definitions of “old” the adjective. Most of them are applicable to the point I am trying to make, but I am just tired of typing now.

Cherish: To hold or treat as dear.

He is my king, my leader, my man, my friend. Because he holds such a high place of honor in my life, my expectations of him are astronomically high.

I am his queen. I am graceful, beautiful, priceless, timeless, perfect. My pedestal is so high, I can do no wrong.

Two completely different mentalities regarding “cherish.” Neither is right or wrong, but they are mutually exclusive. There is no compromise between the two. I think my way is right, because it (hopefully) inspires growth and increased appreciation and understanding. He thinks his way is right, because it allows his queen to do as she pleases (even if it means FB all day).

So, now what? Do we continue seeing the act of cherishing completely differently? or does one of us jump ship to the other’s definition? Does it matter? I think so. I often wonder why he doesn’t tell me what irks him so I can grow and be better at making him happy or maybe even just explain why I do something so he can better understand...he, on the other hand, often wonders why I always have a complaint about something he is (or isn’t) doing. According to Chris's very own words, "we would never have an issue if she didn’t bring them to me." So, I think it is imperative that we come to an agreement about this.

Obviously, I love it that I can do no wrong in his eyes. Because I know what it is like to have every single move scrutinized and degraded, I would never take advantage of the freedoms my husband has blessed me with.

Unfortunately, I don’t know that it is possible for me to turn a blind eye to anything - ever. Sad, but true. I guess when I say it like that, it sounds like the personality flaw is mine...I can’t help but question. If I adopt that mentality will Chris take advantage? Am I just setting myself up for heartache, loneliness, and a life of total _______(What? What am I really scared of? Have I forgotten what it is like to be fully protected by the one true just and loving God? Have I forgotten that as long as I walk in the will of Christ all things will work out for the good of those who love Him? Even if my husband was to hurt me or annoy me or just do something really stupid – I can’t control his actions anyway, so really what advantage is there to fret over them?)

But wait, this didn’t start out about controlling. Maybe that’s the root of the issue. It is entirely possible that my “high expectations” have melded with my desire to control the world and have thus created a monster!

I still believe that high expectations are good. But, I can now see that my way is not flawless.

Patriot's Day 2009

I wish that I had written about my endeavors as a stepmom from the beginning, so you could see the differences in me, so you could feel the emotions I’ve felt, and so that maybe one day someone somewhere would learn from the experiences I’ve faced.

We just found out late last night that Adrienne (Brytin’s mom) received a continuance in her trial until September 11, 2009. This continuance is truly heart-wrenching. At its most basic level, the fact that nothing was decided yesterday keeps everything at the status quo for TWO MORE MONTHS.

This continuance means that Adrienne will continue living restricted to base for another two months. It means Brytin will only see his mom a couple times a week for the next month - and possibly even less once he starts kinder Aug 17th. It means that the relationships between her and Richard, her and Bryanna, and Brytin and Bryanna will continue to be strained. It also means that Adrienne’s hopes and efforts to prove herself a productive member of society were once again ignored by too many people. And all of these aspects regarding the continuance do not even begin to discuss her career, her housing, her DMV issues, nor her education. All of these items do not even begin to describe the long-term effects to her, Brytin or Bryanna.

The one blessing I can see as I write this is that her life will continue as she knows it - which means continued sobriety. Adrienne has been dry one week shy of five months – approximately 140 days. Continuing her life as she has known it these past five months will bring her to almost seven months sober. That’s close to 200 days! What an amazing victory for her!!!

God permits testing of our faith and loyalty (i.e. Eve with the apple, Abraham with his son, and Jesus in the desert after his forty-day fast). Whatever we go through, God intends to refine us – to make us more like His beautiful Son, Jesus Christ. What impurity is He trying to burn away in you? God tests us to bring out our best, whereas Satan tempts us to bring out our worst.

And now, her grandmother is dying. A woman she has often referred to as “the glue that holds everything together.” My heart breaks that she has to face another tragic circumstance in 2009. Chris did have an excellent point, however - MAYBE everything that Adrienne has been through since Feb 23, 2009 has been to prepare her to become the glue in her grandma’s absence. Lord knows, she is now sober, sane, strong and smart enough to help people. To take it one step further - maybe it has to do with her desire to be a psychologist. Maybe God saw that she could be an AMAZING psychologist, but she had to straighten out some stuff first?

Sometimes, I feel guilty that I have benefited from her circumstance...I have been greatly blessed with an amazing stepson whom I adore more than I ever thought possible.

I have also gained a great friend in Adrienne Broussard. A friend whom I cherish as an inspiration on so many levels. At first, of course, my mentality was completely different. But from conversations with my husband, my family, my friends, and with Brytin, I have a much better understanding of kindness, forgiveness, grace, love, peace, joy, and self-control. And I have Adrienne to thank for teaching me those lessons. I have Adrienne to thank for making me a better follower of Christ.

Praise be to God. His mercies abound! His willingness to grow His children is the most beautiful example of loving-kindness I can imagine. Every day we have the opportunity to make choices that will undoubtedly make Him smile. Adrienne Broussard has made HUNDREDS of those decisions over the past five months.

Saturday August 30, 2008

a girl needs her daddy
Current mood: exhausted
My biological father's name is Rick. Him and my mom got pregnant in high school. They married after getting pregnant a second time. My mom made a feeble attempt at saving her marriage by having me...Rick thought I was someone else's kid and walked out when I was six-months old...My sisters lived with my mom and me for a couple years until my mom cracked. She was twenty-three, divorced, and had three kids under five (the oldest was four, Jess was two and a half and i was one and a half). She dropped the girls off at their dads and never looked back.
When I was thirteen, I tried to contact my dad. I was having a difficult time with my mom and stepdad and thought that the answer was to at least learn about where I came from...Rick called my mom and told him that my sisters were not emotionally strong enough to deal with the chaos that would ensue if he spoke to me...
When I was fifteen, I tried again. We all met once. It was awkward. I had phone conversations with my stepmom for a few months, but eventually just gave up.
When I was twenty, I decided it was do or die. I was going nowhere, doing nothing and really needed some direction in my life. Rick had a college education, he had a great career, he had children in college and a successful marriage. I needed a role model like that, so I tried again. We tried for about three years to forge a relationship. It never worked.
Not that it isn't possible to have a relationship with a relative you didn't grow up with, it just wasn't possible for us. For a million reasons. The first being that my dad thinks I am "too much like my mother" whom he despises. The second being that my stepmother refuses to allow me into their perfect world lest the "devil's spawn" would fuck it all up.
It's been a difficult road for me.
A girl needs her daddy. I believe that now more than ever.
Thankfully, the Lord has helped fill the void left by the men that could have been great fathers to me.

Wednesday April 9, 2008

Ramblings
Current mood: lonely
Respect. It’s an interesting notion. Is it earned? Or is it only lost? Each person has such a different view of respect. How does God expect human beings to ever get along without agreeing on this one tantamount issue?
Truth is, respect in and of itself, is not a big issue to me. Kindness is more important to me. Maybe the two are one and the same. Or maybe it takes all the fruit of the Spirit to be respectful.
In my opinion, my only enemies are myself and the devil. Everyone else gets at least the courtesy of being human. Now, I will be the first to admit that there are humans whom I have a difficult time being courteous to, but I do at least try.
I’ve learned some pretty difficult lessons in 2008. I don’t desire to go into details, but at the same time, I hope I never forget them so that I never have a quarter like the one I’ve just lived through. People that I have loved and trusted and cared for have all but slapped me in the face - some of them repeatedly. I think I may have even gotten kicked in the teeth for the first time since Birthday Week 2005. Thankfully, God has revealed to me my own part in creating the chaos that is and was. There are definitely some things about myself I need to change to avoid any future recurrences of said drama.
Phillipians 4:29 says "Do not let unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." I pray that God would put a guard over my mouth so that I will not say what I should not.
I know that between humans, conflict is normal. Any two people who have regular encounters will eventually have conflict. I do not set out to irritate or offend; it just happens because I am human. An excerpt from an email I received says "Accepting conflicts as a fact of life helps us deal with it better. And it’s important to remember that conflicts are not destructive in themselves. It’s the way we handle them that determines how destructive they may become."
The best outcome I can hope for in any conflict is that I would look at my faults -listen to others’ opinions that reveal my failures and weaknesses. I have no desire to focus on the speck in my brother’s eye when mine has a log in it. One of the greatest "A-ha!" moments in the Bible for me is when Jesus says, "Let him without sin cast the first stone." And then he forgives the sinner. He was the only one in the crowd who could have thrown a stone at the sinner, but instead He showed her mercy. I try so hard to be like that - not that I have the authority to forgive sin, but to be graceful about it. There is no reason for me to point out someone else’s indiscretions when I commit plenty to soak up my attention.
I pray that I could continue on this path of enlightenment...Though it has been emotionally draining to learn all the things I have learned in the last couple years, I know that I am a much better wife, friend and follower of Christ.

Saturday February 23, 2008

Nature vs. Nurture
Current mood:over it
Rick told Jess that for 7 years all he could think about in the silences of his world was "I need to bring my daughter home."
Jess asked him, "Did you ever once think that about Leslie?"
He matter-of-factly said, "No."
"Why? She's your daughter, too."
"Because she doesn't have the morals and values that you do."
And I cried. Not because there is a dillusional man and his family who are so wrong about me and don't care to correct their mindset. But because the man whom God chose to create me refuses to know me, to accept me and is so willing to believe the bad stuff, the lies.
I cry because the man whose blood runs through my veins is not a man who is worthy. I struggle with that today, because I've always given him the benefit of the doubt. Even last week, when Joe asked me "What kind of man is Rick?" I told him that to the best of knowledge, he is a stand-up guy. He has the best of intentions; he is just grossly misguided.
I dont know why, God, you have given me such a sunny disposition, such an infinite naivety. THREE times now this very week, my faith in people has been proven wrong. How am I so well-adjusted that I just let this stuff roll off my back? Seriously? Is it possible that I am just stuffing the emotion and will some day end up bitter? I don't think so. It is very easy for me to say, "Rick's loss," and accept the love of Mom, Brian, Jess, Joe, Chris, Amy, etc as more than enough to replace him. It's like you, God, My Heavenly Father, have filled the void created by that ridiculous man...
I cry because he is missing out. I cry because he is not living up to his God-given potential as a man, a father. I cry because, I am almost sure, You cry. He is a disappointment and I don't think You intended for him to be as such. I cry because it would seem as though Jesus is not in his heart...
And now I cry because I think of Brian...He did the best he could with what he had...And even though he's quite crazy and not always nice, he would never ever ever say that I am void of all moral character.
For many years, I was angry with him. Eventually, I got over it and accepted what the therapist said, "He did the best he could with what he had." And today, I feel as though I owe him a thank you, or an explanation, or credit...I'm assuming that from his perspective, he thinks I do not give him credit. He doesn't realize that I do, I have. Specifically, my thoughts are, "His methods were fucked up, but something he did was right, because I turned out to be an amazing woman. I love who I am, and I know Brian is a part of that."
I want him to know this. I want him to know I appreciate how much he adores my husband. It means so much to me that he was at our wedding.
I don't know if I have or ever will actually forgive him for the shit he has done, but the truth is, I have forgotten.
Lord, I thank you for all the beautiful people in my life today.

Thursday September 6, 2007

Know it all...
Current mood: embarrassed
Reconnecting with an old friend this week reminded me of a time when I thought I knew it all...The circumstances of my life were completely different than they are today. I was like 22 or 23 or 24 (maybe I was 22 AND 23 AND 24). I was actively involved in a house church. I was intimate with Jesus. I read my Bible daily. I didn't watch R-rated movies or listen to "empty" music. I had a very tight group of friends. I was honestly trying to make my marriage happy, and believed that with God it was possible. I worked very hard at my job (like I was doing it for God). My living quarters were sufficiently comfortable. My bank account had enough to give a little bit to others. All was good. I really thought I had it all figured out.
In that mindset, I ostracized a lot of people. I spewed my one-sided opinions at people I cared about and hurt them (friends, family, co-workers - no one was neglected). My intentions were good, don't get me wrong. I genuinely wanted everyone to be as together as I was...It is fascinating to me to think back and see who I was. In my old age, I have learned so much more than I THOUGHT I knew.
Humility is a wonderful trait to possess. It prevents a LOT of foot-in-mouth bullshit.
A sense of my own mortality and a realization of the lack of omnipotence. I am not infinitely bigger than ANYONE.
A better understanding of how my actions, words, even my thoughts affect others.
Never ever ever say "never." God is bigger than any testament you can make.
And the most important, I think - no matter how intelligent I may be, no matter how magnetic my memory may be, I DO NOT KNOW EVERYTHING. Nor do I know what is best for everyone who crosses my path.
I don't know that it was the crumbling of my marriage or my own separation from God or even something else that changed my opinions. I know that there are some people who stuck by me through that awful stage in my life (and the few relapses I've had), and I am forever greatful. I know that there are people in my life today that are wonderful examples of who I WANT to be, and I hope to do them proud. I know that I am glad my previous mindset no longer pervades my daily life.
I wonder, in 4 to 6 years, what will I think about my mindset today?

Sunday May 20, 2007

mature love
Current mood:interested
The idea of "mature love" was first suggested to me in the book "Lies at the Altar" by Robin L. Smith. The idea has flabbergasted me for months now. The truth is, I suck at it.
What is it? It's the love of life-long beautiful marriages. Not the romantic love filled with infatuation that initially draws me to someone . Mature love is the stuff that comes after and lasts for 10, 20, even 70 years. It's day-to-day love. It's going to work everyday, cleaning the house every weekend and paying bills every month love. It's real love - with frustrations and conflict and real experiences. I don't know how to do it.
Like many others, I am addicted to romantic love. It has actually been scientifically proven that infatuation and romance are addicting. Similar to a runner's high, new lovers experience a spike in dopamine and norepinephrine (like adrenaline). Lovesickness is real...and when things settle down, I begin to fret about the state of the relationship scrutinizing every move, every word, every second of silence for a clue on how to "fix" it. I know, I am ridiculous. And only because there are no pressing issues in my relationshiop right now, I can write about this. But next week, I am sure I'll come up with something to get all spun up about.
I desire to head it off at the pass, though. I want to learn how to be a grown-up in a relationship. But in a year or so, when the infatuation wears off, what do I do?
Robin L. Smith says the first step is to "show up as a grown up." Not as a little girl fulfilling a fantasy, not as a teenager looking to offset the bad stuff from a childhood, not as a young adult trying to impress your friends.
I know that one of my biggest roadblocks to mature love is the unsettled crap between the father figures in my life and myself. I never got approval from my father or my stepfather and so I live and die by the approval of my significant other.
Smith also says, "Whatever we focus on is what grows." I know that I cannot change another, so I must focus on myself if I am ever to get this right. According to Suzanne Harill, "Healing your past, building self-esteem, dealing with feelings and speaking from your own experience" are all ways to change yourself in a relationship. Doing such things, will ultimately impact your partner, your relationship, and your future.
My friend once told me that marriage isn't meant to complete us, it is an opportunity to share our complete lives with someone special. I know that in order for a marriage to work, I have to find a way to let go of my expectations of a fairy tale. I know that I am on my way. I know that I have progressed in the last year, but I still have a ways to go. Hopefully, my partner is willing to be patient and to walk side by side with me as I take these steps toward mature love.
In my research, I found this article on the three stages of love. Check it out: http://www.womensmedia.com/relationships-love-stages.htm

Sunday May 20, 2007

vomitting of the brain
Current mood: scared
Why is it sometimes so difficult? All I want is to be happy, but my brain seems to create all this drama...At the same time, I feel in my soul that I am not getting what I need out of life. How can I be so happy and so miserable at the same time? How can I respectfully, eloquently convey my thoughts and get ACTION? Not guilty action, but a stirring in the soul that says "its time to shit or get off the pot." How do I decide if I am fucked up or right? I know that there are manipulative mo'fos that would like me to believe its all in my head, but don't I know what I know? If its really how I feel, isn't it at least a real feeling? (Whether or not it is warranted or correct or whatever adjective you want to put there, it is at least a real feeling.)
If I know that I am not getting what I want, do I wait for it? That certainly isn't the advice I would give my sister...I'd say "Take action! Do what is best for YOU. Do what you think will make you happy and still be pleasing God." But is that what I would do? No. At least, that is not what I have done...I wait. I think I'll change, I'll conform, I'll settle, I'll mature. But I haven't, nor do I think I ever will.
I hate it when 80 percent of life is great and 20 percent is only tolerable. If that 20 percent were atrocious, it would be so much easier to make a move. But I have tolerated before, and that leaves me feeling empty, alone, broken and even ashamed.
Where do I go from here? I cant keep repeating this same vicious cycle. Seriously, only morons commit the same acts and expect different results...
Speaking of moron...I am not one. Seriously. I am not. People may want to believe that, but it is not the case. I often chose to ignore things, but I am not unaware that they exist. Truth is, I am ridiculously perceptive. For some reason God decided to give me that gift. I can make split second decisions and be spot on 98 percent of the time. I attest that to the Holy Spirit dwelling in me, guiding me, but whatever. Call it whatever you want, mine is insanely strong. It's not that I am a know-it-all, it's completely different than that. It's the Blink factor at its finest.
I try to be so uncomplicated, but really, I am girl's girl through and through. I can pick out the "girliness" that I hate in others so quickly, but when it comes right down to it, I am just as psycho. Why/How is that?
As I reflect on the last 28 years of my life, I would venture to say that it has all been the same. With or without Christ. With or without family. With or without a man. I'm still the same fucked up individual I was a child, a teen, a young adult. I still battle the same demons I did as a kid, as a daughter, as a wife, and as a should-have been mother. Depression, anxiety, self-esteem, histrionics, hyperbole, annoyance, frustration, anger, hormones, men issues, family issues, control issues, and so on and so forth. It doesn't matter if I am skinny, pretty, in school or not, in MN or Cali. I battle the same shit everyday.
Will I ever get this right, God? Will I ever be square? Not even happy, just even-keel?

Saturday April 14, 2007

10 years
Current mood: pensive
So, I did this random bulletin survey about what i was doing 10 years ago, then 5 years ago and now today. It was pretty interesting to look at.
I mean, 10 years ago, I was a senior in high school, my mom was in the hospital, I thought I wanted to spend forever with Michael Boeddeker (we broke up like a month and half later). I was working at an automotive repair shop with no plan for the future (not too long after graduation, Frank taught me the bookkeeping for that same auto shop and totally changed my future)...it's a mind trip to compare ten years ago to today.
And then, just by chance, five years ago was the first time I moved to Cali. What an amazing time in my life. I was so happy. My life was perfect. And then somehow, five years later, I am also happy, but the circumstances are COMPLETELY different. I am no longer married to the man I was so happily married to five years ago. (And for whatever it is worth, I REALLY WAS HAPPY - and I really am happy now.) It's amazing to me what five years can do...I wonder where I would be today if we hadn't made that fatal move to Minnesota...
That survey has totally infected my mind. I encourage you do that survey or something similar...it's fun and educational all at the same time :)

Monday February 5, 2007

Worthy of an "F'ing-heimer"
Current mood: numb
There are so many things I could write about that dam letter....But all I want to say is this:
Ladies and Gentleman,
If you think that the one you are with is worth something, make sure you tell them today. If you don't, all you will be able to say later is, "FUCK. I screwed up."

Friday December 1, 2006

I can be so flighty
Current mood: amused
I ran out of gas today...Well, technically I didn't run out. I pulled over and stopped the car before it could actually die. I have NEVER run out of gas before - and I have been driving for 12 years! (wow, I am old)
See, I got this fancy new car and it tells me how many miles I have until my tank is empty. Since I only drive four miles per day, I can ignore the low gas warnings...
Today at lunch I had an errand to run. I COMPLETELY forgot about the low gas situation. So, I happily ran my errand and was very proud that I got it done quickly so I could be back to work on time -- HA! The second I got on the bumper-to-bumper freeway I remembered the low gas warnings..."1 mile to empty." I'm a moron.
I called a co-worker in a panic and she rushed to help me, so all is well...
Interesting things happen when you are sitting on the side of the 405. Mexicans hit on you, people laugh at you, teenagers turn up their music so you have something to dance to...I will do my best to not run out of gas again.
There were a few nice people who offered to give me rides. It is a weird situation to see hundreds of cars whiz by you, all with sufficient gas, and you have none.
Anyway, I am glad I had the experience, but I would prefer to not have it happen again :)

Friday October 6, 2006

Is it age?
Current mood: contemplative
I am struck by the amazing difference between the mindset of 30 and 20 year olds. I know that when I was 20, I truly believed I knew all there was to know about life and choices and such. Now that I am closer to 30, I realize that I actually know NOTHING.
At what age does that transformation occur? Is it really an age thing or an experience thing or both (with age comes experience)?
What role does God play in that transformation? Like, maybe it really has nothing to do with age, and everything to do with the progressional work God does in His followers.
I am very glad to see that difference now. I don't know that I could have seen it a couple years ago. I pray that I can be graceful and wise whenever dealing with someone at a difference experience level than me.